The Evolution of a Mommy, and Thoughts on Getting Ready to Receive Our Rainbow Baby

Okay so this is one of those, "I have been up a lot tonight and I'm not sure what's going to come out" posts...just to give you fair warning.  However, this topic just jumped into my brain again, and it's something I've been thinking about lately so we'll see what I come up with, and we'll see if I actually post this.  : )

We're roughly10-12 weeks before we can expect little Jeremiah to be born.   Time flies faster w/ each pregnancy.  By #4, I feel as if I've barely even been pregnant, but my continually protruding belly and the late night watches suggest otherwise.  I've been thinking these last few weeks, how 'ready' I am.  No, I'm not physically or environmentally ready yet.  Ha, does that ever really happen?  But I do 'feel' ready otherwise.

With my first, I had NO clue, of course.  I spent most of that pregnancy being miserable is all I can tell you.  I won't bore you w/ details, but I'm not going to lie either.  I wondered if I'd ever have the courage to do that again, but aside from a physically and emotionally gut wrenching first few weeks, we got through and he was one of those 'easy' (ish) babies, who has grown into an often delightful child of 4.  Apart from his daily infantile hints that he was to be a strong willed child, along w/ crazy hormones (mine), we made it through the first year pretty well. At that point like all new parents, we just rejoiced in the realization that we had done it.  We had kept a child alive for a whole year, thank you God!

Obviously I did have the courage to do it again. : )  For which I am so grateful, since my sweet #2, brand new 3 year old wouldn't be here if I didn't.  There's something so special about being a mommy to a little girl.  I can't quite explain it.  She's so much like me it's scary, and yet she's so different it's refreshing.  Her newbie days had their own set of challenges.  Nursing jaundice combined w/ coma like sleep, weight gain issues, etc.  Not to mention, she made me the mother of 2.  That was the real difficulty.  Finding the balance, or something like it.  I don't remember how we ate for 6 months.  I think Hubby did a lot of cooking, thank God for that man.

In the midst of all that, realizing the challenges that come w/ each child I remember thinking and saying a few times...Never.  NEVER again.  I am done. !

And so, I ate my words with our little butterfly baby about a year later.  I was both thrilled and terrified at the thought of 3.  I had just barely 'gotten used to' having 2.  Now 3?  Thrilling!  And terrifying.  And overwhelming.  Until...

We found out the news that she had touched our lives for a short time (Somewhere in there I learned the term 'butterfly baby' which resonated w/ me) and that was her purpose of life on Earth.  Oh how I ate those words..."Never again."  Words that escaped my mouth and not His - in my keen new awareness that He truly is the giver and taker of life.  I don't think anything other than the death of a child can teach you that lesson in quite the same way.

(Please note what I am not saying: that this experience was somehow punishment for things said and felt in frustration.  God doesn't work that way generally, or we'd all be in trouble an awful lot.  I'm not entirely sure why we lost our child, but please don't think I believe her loss was punishment.  Nor am I saying anyone's loss is punishment.  Just to clarify.)

So now here we are, awaiting our rainbow baby (baby after a loss if you haven't heard the term), with only a few weeks left in front of us.  I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say here so I'll just come out w/ what comes up and leave it at that.

Looking back on all these experiences - the good, the bad, and the just plain ugly...I can circle back to what I said before.  I'm ready, and thankful.  For little or no sleep, crazy hormones, the struggle to find the 'balance', the ability to nurse or not (of course hoping I can, long story maybe I'll share another time), and just plain finding my way through it all again.  I'm ready for the days I don't do so well, and the days I know I'll smile at as I see them coming on the horizon, and everything it takes to get there.  I'm ready to enjoy the struggles and soak up the hard won, or easily gained - joy (depending on the moment). 

With the artist who penned these words, I can truly say, "You give and take away, you give and take away.  My heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be your name."  However he chooses to deliver this little package, I'm ready to welcome his gift into my arms. 

Random

Wow, I've been writing some deep/heavy posts lately.  I should lighten things up a bit around here!

My big girl is turning THREE this week.  I can't believe it.  The day of her birth is still so fresh in my mind.  What a blessing that was after a very stressful first birth w/ our first born.  I hope our upcoming birth in Februrary is just as smooth.  I'm so thankful that she seems really ready to be a big sister too.  She is sooo excited.  It's also nice because she has gotten really cuddly and sweet lately - she always was of course(definitely as an infant) - but she's turned it up a notch so that she can enjoy being the family 'baby' for just a few more weeks.  I love being the mother of a daughter.  What a blessing!

Speaking of babies, a few weeks ago, a random lady in Starbucks got crazy excited for me being pregnant.  It was the first time someone in public had made mention of our pregnancy - so great!  I'm not even sure if she was a mother herself - she didn't seem like it.  Her absolute joy for us was such a gift!  It was especially great that Bryan was with me too.  She thought this was our first - lol! - got a surprise to learn this is actually #4 for us.  Boy is that hard for even me to believe!

I realized lately that we have only a few weeks left till this baby is born.  Okay, so it's really about 13, but w/ the holidays in between (which have somehow snuck up on me!) it's really only half that time. Whew!  Where did 6 months just go?!

For that matter, how about the whole year???  It seems I was just doing all the fun Thanksgiving/Christmas stuff w/ my kids and here we are again.  I love being able to make our own traditions as a family.  Last year, we did a Jesse Tree, which was so much fun.  I made all the felt ornament cut outs and we used them for Advent/decor/play. I'm sure we did some other fun things, but that one stands out the most.  I guess because it took some time to put it all together, and it was so worth it for all of us.

This year, I'm hoping to read The Christmas Pageant aloud to the kids (I think that's what it's called?).  I think my oldest is just old enough for it.

Also, we're staying home for Christmas this year and not traveling as we normally would.  I'll be almost 8 mos. pregnant and just don't want all the hassle that goes along with traveling, holidays, etc at that point in my pregnancy.  We often close out the season w/ sickness bc we've seen so many people in a short period of time.  I'm hoping we can avoid that this year. 

Hubby and I are having fun planning our day.  It will definitely be different for us - neither of us has spent Christmas w/o our parents and siblings before - but I think we'll all have just as good a time here. 

Whew!  I could learn a thing or two about brevity, no?  It's probably time to wrap this up.  Real quick though before I go - what are your favorite holiday traditions?  Either from childhood or in your household currently.  Do tell! : )

On Being the Mother of a Strong Willed Child: Venting, and More Questions than Answers

Disclaimer: This is not a pity party. If you don't understand why I would write this otherwise, that's fine, but please don't label me as a whiner for needing to get these thoughts out today.  At least, don't tell me you are doing that, even if you are.  Thanks.

Vent:

I've been having a few days recently where I'm battling with this role, this identity.  I am the mother of a strong willed child, and most days it seems like I have yet to truly accept that.  I war against myself, my child, and God concerning our identities.  His, the strong willed child...and mine the mother of this uniquely gifted child.  I do believe his personality is a gift.  It's just that many days, it also very much feels like a curse.  Oh yeah...this post is going to raw.  Just so you know, ha - if you haven't already figured that out.  So, on to the point of this post...more questions than answers.  Please,  please if and when you read this, don't give me answers.  Even if you have them.  Even if you think you are right, and even if you truly are.  I have a 'knowing' that these are answers I have to find for myself.  Some of these questions I already have the answers to, at least the head knowledge - yet I am still fighting within myself to accept them.  This is just my, "I had a bad day today" raw reaction, and in some small way I wonder if someone else will be able to identify and at least not feel alone on this journey that can seem very lonely at times.

Questions:

1. Why?  Why did God give me a strong willed child?

2. What am I supposed to learn from this part of my journey on the path called 'Motherhood'?

3. What specifically is it about this unique child that I need?  What part of him uniquely needs me as his mother?  I fully believe that everything God does in our lives, every single situation he allows us to be in, is for a reason.  There is something about both of us that needs the other, even though we struggle immensely at times.

4. How am I going to raise this child into a mature young man?

5. What will I understand then, that I'll wish I'd understood now?

6. Why does he seem to just not care sometimes?  Why does it seem like a game to him some days?  Why does he seem oblivious to our struggle some days?

7.  Yet other days...he is so 'in tune' to our struggle.  Not in a bad way, but in a healthy, thinking, repenting, desiring to be different kind of way.  His prayers of repentance shame me at times.  'Out of the mouths of babes' - that kind of thing.

8. Why does all of this bring out the best, and ALSO the worst in me - many times on the same day.

9. Why do I mostly feel misunderstood by others when I express my difficulties (because this part of my job is such a challenge, and I am such an open book type of person, that I just can't keep it inside lots of days)?  God knows one of the things I really hate is to feel misunderstood.  It makes me feel inadequate.  It makes me feel like a bad mother, because "obviously" everyone else has all the answers to my situation (except many times they don't really, they just think they do). 

9. Will I ever just 'get' him?  Will I ever stop questioning and just accept our reality???

10. What could/would be different about this struggle if I could just consistently give in to God's sovereignty as related to this situation? 

One thing I've obsrerved in motherhood is how pregnancy and labor/delivery of each of my children has somehow been a foreshadowing from God as to their unique personalities.  If you knew me when I was pregnant with Samuel,  you know that journey was a far from easy 10 months, to the very end at his time of birth.  I am reminded at this moment, that my consistent prayer throughout three hours of pushing his little body into this world:

Philippians 4:13

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

This is where my focus ought to be.  I had no idea how in the world he was going to be born that day.  I was literally out of all physical strength, but God supernaturally strengthened me to deliver him as I repeated the above verse probably hundreds of times in my head that day.  I suppose that answers many of my questions.

Five Minute Friday: When Our Roots are Exposed

1.  Write for 5 minutes flat.

2. No editing, just whatever comes to mind on the given topic.  This time, the word is: roots.

3. Stop wherever you are at 5 minutes and link up here.

Sometimes things are rooted so deep inside, you forget they are there - how much they mean to you, how much they shape you.  Until someone digs down a little deep and maybe without even realizing it, they hit a nerve on one of those roots.

You may sit stunned for a time or put it back for now and pick it up later.  The fact is though, your roots are exposed.

Sometimes it's God.   Okay it's always God but sometimes there isn't anyone to give credit to but God.   Something pops up - something that he sovereignly gave roots to a long time ago...and you realize...you remember...you wake up as if out of a deep sleep.  You know you must do. something. 

Those roots have not been exposed for no reason.  Maybe you need to repent, with prayer and action.  You know what to do.  You just gotta do it.  Take my eyes off of me and remember those roots.

Repent for that entitlement that has somehow weaved it's way into my life.  Remember that I know what it's like to be there.  How can I see my roots disturbed in the experience of someone else and not act when I know.  I know what it's like to be there.  

The digging up of those roots has amazing potential.  Let's don't ignore those moments when our roots get exposed.  Something tells me we won't regret the result if we pay attention.