On Being the Mother of a Strong Willed Child: Venting, and More Questions than Answers

Disclaimer: This is not a pity party. If you don't understand why I would write this otherwise, that's fine, but please don't label me as a whiner for needing to get these thoughts out today.  At least, don't tell me you are doing that, even if you are.  Thanks.

Vent:

I've been having a few days recently where I'm battling with this role, this identity.  I am the mother of a strong willed child, and most days it seems like I have yet to truly accept that.  I war against myself, my child, and God concerning our identities.  His, the strong willed child...and mine the mother of this uniquely gifted child.  I do believe his personality is a gift.  It's just that many days, it also very much feels like a curse.  Oh yeah...this post is going to raw.  Just so you know, ha - if you haven't already figured that out.  So, on to the point of this post...more questions than answers.  Please,  please if and when you read this, don't give me answers.  Even if you have them.  Even if you think you are right, and even if you truly are.  I have a 'knowing' that these are answers I have to find for myself.  Some of these questions I already have the answers to, at least the head knowledge - yet I am still fighting within myself to accept them.  This is just my, "I had a bad day today" raw reaction, and in some small way I wonder if someone else will be able to identify and at least not feel alone on this journey that can seem very lonely at times.

Questions:

1. Why?  Why did God give me a strong willed child?

2. What am I supposed to learn from this part of my journey on the path called 'Motherhood'?

3. What specifically is it about this unique child that I need?  What part of him uniquely needs me as his mother?  I fully believe that everything God does in our lives, every single situation he allows us to be in, is for a reason.  There is something about both of us that needs the other, even though we struggle immensely at times.

4. How am I going to raise this child into a mature young man?

5. What will I understand then, that I'll wish I'd understood now?

6. Why does he seem to just not care sometimes?  Why does it seem like a game to him some days?  Why does he seem oblivious to our struggle some days?

7.  Yet other days...he is so 'in tune' to our struggle.  Not in a bad way, but in a healthy, thinking, repenting, desiring to be different kind of way.  His prayers of repentance shame me at times.  'Out of the mouths of babes' - that kind of thing.

8. Why does all of this bring out the best, and ALSO the worst in me - many times on the same day.

9. Why do I mostly feel misunderstood by others when I express my difficulties (because this part of my job is such a challenge, and I am such an open book type of person, that I just can't keep it inside lots of days)?  God knows one of the things I really hate is to feel misunderstood.  It makes me feel inadequate.  It makes me feel like a bad mother, because "obviously" everyone else has all the answers to my situation (except many times they don't really, they just think they do). 

9. Will I ever just 'get' him?  Will I ever stop questioning and just accept our reality???

10. What could/would be different about this struggle if I could just consistently give in to God's sovereignty as related to this situation? 

One thing I've obsrerved in motherhood is how pregnancy and labor/delivery of each of my children has somehow been a foreshadowing from God as to their unique personalities.  If you knew me when I was pregnant with Samuel,  you know that journey was a far from easy 10 months, to the very end at his time of birth.  I am reminded at this moment, that my consistent prayer throughout three hours of pushing his little body into this world:

Philippians 4:13

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

This is where my focus ought to be.  I had no idea how in the world he was going to be born that day.  I was literally out of all physical strength, but God supernaturally strengthened me to deliver him as I repeated the above verse probably hundreds of times in my head that day.  I suppose that answers many of my questions.