Okay so this is one of those, "I have been up a lot tonight and I'm not sure what's going to come out" posts...just to give you fair warning. However, this topic just jumped into my brain again, and it's something I've been thinking about lately so we'll see what I come up with, and we'll see if I actually post this. : )
We're roughly10-12 weeks before we can expect little Jeremiah to be born. Time flies faster w/ each pregnancy. By #4, I feel as if I've barely even been pregnant, but my continually protruding belly and the late night watches suggest otherwise. I've been thinking these last few weeks, how 'ready' I am. No, I'm not physically or environmentally ready yet. Ha, does that ever really happen? But I do 'feel' ready otherwise.
With my first, I had NO clue, of course. I spent most of that pregnancy being miserable is all I can tell you. I won't bore you w/ details, but I'm not going to lie either. I wondered if I'd ever have the courage to do that again, but aside from a physically and emotionally gut wrenching first few weeks, we got through and he was one of those 'easy' (ish) babies, who has grown into an often delightful child of 4. Apart from his daily infantile hints that he was to be a strong willed child, along w/ crazy hormones (mine), we made it through the first year pretty well. At that point like all new parents, we just rejoiced in the realization that we had done it. We had kept a child alive for a whole year, thank you God!
Obviously I did have the courage to do it again. : ) For which I am so grateful, since my sweet #2, brand new 3 year old wouldn't be here if I didn't. There's something so special about being a mommy to a little girl. I can't quite explain it. She's so much like me it's scary, and yet she's so different it's refreshing. Her newbie days had their own set of challenges. Nursing jaundice combined w/ coma like sleep, weight gain issues, etc. Not to mention, she made me the mother of 2. That was the real difficulty. Finding the balance, or something like it. I don't remember how we ate for 6 months. I think Hubby did a lot of cooking, thank God for that man.
In the midst of all that, realizing the challenges that come w/ each child I remember thinking and saying a few times...Never. NEVER again. I am done. !
And so, I ate my words with our little butterfly baby about a year later. I was both thrilled and terrified at the thought of 3. I had just barely 'gotten used to' having 2. Now 3? Thrilling! And terrifying. And overwhelming. Until...
We found out the news that she had touched our lives for a short time (Somewhere in there I learned the term 'butterfly baby' which resonated w/ me) and that was her purpose of life on Earth. Oh how I ate those words..."Never again." Words that escaped my mouth and not His - in my keen new awareness that He truly is the giver and taker of life. I don't think anything other than the death of a child can teach you that lesson in quite the same way.
(Please note what I am not saying: that this experience was somehow punishment for things said and felt in frustration. God doesn't work that way generally, or we'd all be in trouble an awful lot. I'm not entirely sure why we lost our child, but please don't think I believe her loss was punishment. Nor am I saying anyone's loss is punishment. Just to clarify.)
So now here we are, awaiting our rainbow baby (baby after a loss if you haven't heard the term), with only a few weeks left in front of us. I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say here so I'll just come out w/ what comes up and leave it at that.
Looking back on all these experiences - the good, the bad, and the just plain ugly...I can circle back to what I said before. I'm ready, and thankful. For little or no sleep, crazy hormones, the struggle to find the 'balance', the ability to nurse or not (of course hoping I can, long story maybe I'll share another time), and just plain finding my way through it all again. I'm ready for the days I don't do so well, and the days I know I'll smile at as I see them coming on the horizon, and everything it takes to get there. I'm ready to enjoy the struggles and soak up the hard won, or easily gained - joy (depending on the moment).
With the artist who penned these words, I can truly say, "You give and take away, you give and take away. My heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be your name." However he chooses to deliver this little package, I'm ready to welcome his gift into my arms.
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