Random

Wow, I've been writing some deep/heavy posts lately.  I should lighten things up a bit around here!

My big girl is turning THREE this week.  I can't believe it.  The day of her birth is still so fresh in my mind.  What a blessing that was after a very stressful first birth w/ our first born.  I hope our upcoming birth in Februrary is just as smooth.  I'm so thankful that she seems really ready to be a big sister too.  She is sooo excited.  It's also nice because she has gotten really cuddly and sweet lately - she always was of course(definitely as an infant) - but she's turned it up a notch so that she can enjoy being the family 'baby' for just a few more weeks.  I love being the mother of a daughter.  What a blessing!

Speaking of babies, a few weeks ago, a random lady in Starbucks got crazy excited for me being pregnant.  It was the first time someone in public had made mention of our pregnancy - so great!  I'm not even sure if she was a mother herself - she didn't seem like it.  Her absolute joy for us was such a gift!  It was especially great that Bryan was with me too.  She thought this was our first - lol! - got a surprise to learn this is actually #4 for us.  Boy is that hard for even me to believe!

I realized lately that we have only a few weeks left till this baby is born.  Okay, so it's really about 13, but w/ the holidays in between (which have somehow snuck up on me!) it's really only half that time. Whew!  Where did 6 months just go?!

For that matter, how about the whole year???  It seems I was just doing all the fun Thanksgiving/Christmas stuff w/ my kids and here we are again.  I love being able to make our own traditions as a family.  Last year, we did a Jesse Tree, which was so much fun.  I made all the felt ornament cut outs and we used them for Advent/decor/play. I'm sure we did some other fun things, but that one stands out the most.  I guess because it took some time to put it all together, and it was so worth it for all of us.

This year, I'm hoping to read The Christmas Pageant aloud to the kids (I think that's what it's called?).  I think my oldest is just old enough for it.

Also, we're staying home for Christmas this year and not traveling as we normally would.  I'll be almost 8 mos. pregnant and just don't want all the hassle that goes along with traveling, holidays, etc at that point in my pregnancy.  We often close out the season w/ sickness bc we've seen so many people in a short period of time.  I'm hoping we can avoid that this year. 

Hubby and I are having fun planning our day.  It will definitely be different for us - neither of us has spent Christmas w/o our parents and siblings before - but I think we'll all have just as good a time here. 

Whew!  I could learn a thing or two about brevity, no?  It's probably time to wrap this up.  Real quick though before I go - what are your favorite holiday traditions?  Either from childhood or in your household currently.  Do tell! : )

On Being the Mother of a Strong Willed Child: Venting, and More Questions than Answers

Disclaimer: This is not a pity party. If you don't understand why I would write this otherwise, that's fine, but please don't label me as a whiner for needing to get these thoughts out today.  At least, don't tell me you are doing that, even if you are.  Thanks.

Vent:

I've been having a few days recently where I'm battling with this role, this identity.  I am the mother of a strong willed child, and most days it seems like I have yet to truly accept that.  I war against myself, my child, and God concerning our identities.  His, the strong willed child...and mine the mother of this uniquely gifted child.  I do believe his personality is a gift.  It's just that many days, it also very much feels like a curse.  Oh yeah...this post is going to raw.  Just so you know, ha - if you haven't already figured that out.  So, on to the point of this post...more questions than answers.  Please,  please if and when you read this, don't give me answers.  Even if you have them.  Even if you think you are right, and even if you truly are.  I have a 'knowing' that these are answers I have to find for myself.  Some of these questions I already have the answers to, at least the head knowledge - yet I am still fighting within myself to accept them.  This is just my, "I had a bad day today" raw reaction, and in some small way I wonder if someone else will be able to identify and at least not feel alone on this journey that can seem very lonely at times.

Questions:

1. Why?  Why did God give me a strong willed child?

2. What am I supposed to learn from this part of my journey on the path called 'Motherhood'?

3. What specifically is it about this unique child that I need?  What part of him uniquely needs me as his mother?  I fully believe that everything God does in our lives, every single situation he allows us to be in, is for a reason.  There is something about both of us that needs the other, even though we struggle immensely at times.

4. How am I going to raise this child into a mature young man?

5. What will I understand then, that I'll wish I'd understood now?

6. Why does he seem to just not care sometimes?  Why does it seem like a game to him some days?  Why does he seem oblivious to our struggle some days?

7.  Yet other days...he is so 'in tune' to our struggle.  Not in a bad way, but in a healthy, thinking, repenting, desiring to be different kind of way.  His prayers of repentance shame me at times.  'Out of the mouths of babes' - that kind of thing.

8. Why does all of this bring out the best, and ALSO the worst in me - many times on the same day.

9. Why do I mostly feel misunderstood by others when I express my difficulties (because this part of my job is such a challenge, and I am such an open book type of person, that I just can't keep it inside lots of days)?  God knows one of the things I really hate is to feel misunderstood.  It makes me feel inadequate.  It makes me feel like a bad mother, because "obviously" everyone else has all the answers to my situation (except many times they don't really, they just think they do). 

9. Will I ever just 'get' him?  Will I ever stop questioning and just accept our reality???

10. What could/would be different about this struggle if I could just consistently give in to God's sovereignty as related to this situation? 

One thing I've obsrerved in motherhood is how pregnancy and labor/delivery of each of my children has somehow been a foreshadowing from God as to their unique personalities.  If you knew me when I was pregnant with Samuel,  you know that journey was a far from easy 10 months, to the very end at his time of birth.  I am reminded at this moment, that my consistent prayer throughout three hours of pushing his little body into this world:

Philippians 4:13

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

This is where my focus ought to be.  I had no idea how in the world he was going to be born that day.  I was literally out of all physical strength, but God supernaturally strengthened me to deliver him as I repeated the above verse probably hundreds of times in my head that day.  I suppose that answers many of my questions.

Five Minute Friday: When Our Roots are Exposed

1.  Write for 5 minutes flat.

2. No editing, just whatever comes to mind on the given topic.  This time, the word is: roots.

3. Stop wherever you are at 5 minutes and link up here.

Sometimes things are rooted so deep inside, you forget they are there - how much they mean to you, how much they shape you.  Until someone digs down a little deep and maybe without even realizing it, they hit a nerve on one of those roots.

You may sit stunned for a time or put it back for now and pick it up later.  The fact is though, your roots are exposed.

Sometimes it's God.   Okay it's always God but sometimes there isn't anyone to give credit to but God.   Something pops up - something that he sovereignly gave roots to a long time ago...and you realize...you remember...you wake up as if out of a deep sleep.  You know you must do. something. 

Those roots have not been exposed for no reason.  Maybe you need to repent, with prayer and action.  You know what to do.  You just gotta do it.  Take my eyes off of me and remember those roots.

Repent for that entitlement that has somehow weaved it's way into my life.  Remember that I know what it's like to be there.  How can I see my roots disturbed in the experience of someone else and not act when I know.  I know what it's like to be there.  

The digging up of those roots has amazing potential.  Let's don't ignore those moments when our roots get exposed.  Something tells me we won't regret the result if we pay attention. 

Awkward/Awesome

Awkward

1. The babysitter canceled last night and we couldn't find a replacement so I had to go to our Bradley Method class alone...on our labor practice night.  Thankfully, one of the attending doulas stepped in to be my 'partner'.  The awkward part?  When I had to 'labor' in the bathroom w/ a (mostly) complete stranger. and when she had to help me work on relaxation, which you'll understand if you have ever taken a Bradley or other similar class before..  Awkward? You betcha, but it actually worked out pretty well and I found out those doulas are some pretty great women.

2. The other day we had our family pictures taken.  The awkward part is when your (almost) 3 and 4 year old say, "Mama, you look sooo pretty!" because they notice that you are finally wearing the makeup that has been hiding in the closet for the last 6 months.

Awesome

!. We got our family pictures taken!  We don't have them yet, but there might be a smattering of samples on here soonish...sort of.  We don't post pictures of our children on line.

2.  I'm having a birthday party to celebrate my upcoming 30th.  I haven't had a birthday party, or cake for that matter, since I was 12.  When your birthday is on the 26th of December, you tend not to care about cake the day after Christmas, even if you enjoy it.  I decided the awesomeness of turning 30 needs to be celebrated this year, so I'm planning the party over a month early (along w/ another friend who also turns 30 on the 29th). : )

How Jeremiah got his Name

Like many women who have experienced multiple pregnancies, I knew I was expecting a couple of days before I actually took a test. I woke up very early one morning, and thinking of our last child who didn't make it prayed, "Oh Lord, how is this all going to work out?"  This rarely happens to me, but God responded immediately in my mind with the phrase, "For My glory."  As I contemplated those words, peace washed over me with the reminder that this pregnancy is not about me, no matter what happens.

My husband and I recognized this was a significant moment and made a point to remember it.  One way we chose to do that was to ask the Lord for a name for this child that goes along w/ that phrase, or even just the word 'glory.'  Girl names were obvious,  but none of them really seemed to feel quite right.  Boy names were all just very odd sounding in a, 'What were you on when you named this child?' kind of way.  That was until we stumbled on the name Jeremiah, and the suggestion that it's meaning - honor - is similar  to the word glory.  That seemed to fit so we agreed to keep it on the back burner for a while.

Well, just a few days later, the Holy Spirit strongly prompted me to turn to the book of Jeremiah in the Bible.  Note: I was not thinking about baby names at the time, just felt very impressed upon to look there.  I did, and this is what my eyes fell upon as I glanced down the page in the first chapter:

Jeremiah 1:5a

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart;

It was then that I realized the name of the book of the Bible I was reading from (duh!). I showed my husband and we agreed, it seemed as if God was saying to us, "This child is a boy, and Jeremiah is his name."  Although I admit I questioned the experience many times after, overall I thought, how can I argue with something so clear?  So just a couple of weeks into the pregnancy, I felt like Mary, Elizabeth, Sarah, or Hannah in the Bible.  I guess if he told them early on, he can tell me right?  I have not shared the story much until now, but I have held onto it with great hope, comfort, and encouragement from the Lord throughout these first 21 weeks. As many of you reading this likely know by now, we just found out 'officially' that we are expecting a boy!  Imagine my awe, yet lack of surprise, at the technician's proclamation of the sex. : )

Perspective

The Lord is showing me, as he often does, that life is really all about perspective.  Lately, this lesson has been given to me in heaps of reminders of where I come from, where I am today, and where I could be otherwise, if not for the perspective that he gave others and used to bless little old me.

When I was little, the church my parents married in was ripped in 2 by false doctrine, literally split down the middle between those that were true followers of Christ and those that had been fooled by lesser things.  My parents and others were betrayed by those they considered to be the dearest of friends.  The pain trickled down into the marrow of our family life, joined with other difficulties, and life suddenly got very challenging for our family of 6. It is only by the grace of God that our family was not also ripped in 2, though many times it sure felt like it was for all of us, as we seemingly hung by the tiniest thread for a number of years to follow.  Thankfully, Jesus had sewn that thread, and he was not about to let the evil one undo his work.  Looking back I can see the legions of angels in the spiritual battle that would try to take our family, but God always draws the line in the sand and Satan was not allowed to go that far.

 For many years, our family somehow survived on one often-too-small-for-all-of-us vehicle while my dad worked 2 or 3 jobs, attending college classes part time, and Mom often worked full time. We went to church with our mom on Sundays, but we were rarely able to participate in other activities mid week; it just wasn't possible. Needless to say, life was rough from the rising to the setting of the sun, not to mention in between.

 In the midst of that long season, the Lord used many who had a proper perspective of his kingdom to keep the weakest of sheep in his fold.  Many of them were aware of the work they were doing, and others simply obeyed their Father's command to love the unlovable, sacrificing for someone else's well-being above their own.

One such woman had 2 little girls roughly my sister's and my ages, and the door was always (and I do mean always) open for us to come over and play.  We were fed well, provided with encouragement, a place to be kids, and were often given rides to and from our culturally mixed neighborhood on the "wrong" side of town (In God's economy I don't think there is a wrong side of town, but that's for another day). We even lived with them for a week once when our family home had a house fire and we were forced to move out for a short time. 

Years later, my dad's hard work paid off with graduation, one full time job, and a second, desperately needed vehicle.  We were finally able to not just attend a church, but be a part of it.  We found a place to call a church home, but the challenge was still working it's way through our family and Satan was not done with us yet.  For many reasons, there was still a lack of peace inside our home, but once again God came through for the least of these.  He provided not just one but two family friends who also had an open door policy whenever it was needed, not to mention countless others with listening ears, as well as hands and feet of the gospel in various ways (like providing work to earn money for summer church camps).

It is because of people like this that I know where I am spending eternity today.  The Lord showed me his love in contrast to my sinfulness in the midst of all this and saved me.  The people mentioned above were all part of showing me the love of Christ in a way I couldn't deny it.  Many of them were not aware of it at the time.  They were just loving the unlovable, hands and feet in motion.  They were priceless servants of the King doing what they do, and he used it to convict me, draw me to my knees in repentance, and save me at the age of 12.

I am amazed at the way God still uses those events to shape my life today.  I could just call it part of my past, but he reminds me of it in unexpected times and places and uses it to convict me of how I should be living my life in the present.  When I give in to old patterns of the world and forget his love for me, he often uses my past to remind me of who I am, where I come from.  When he asks me to do something that seems like too much, I have his trophies of grace to remind me that many people (more than those that I recounted above), were also asked to do what may have at times seemed like 'too much.'  Yet, are simple sacrifices too much to ask for if they mean the gain of a soul to the kingdom? God reminds me that it wasn't for my friends, it wasn't for Jesus, and it shouldn't be for me either.

Therefore I turn to him in thanksgiving, repentance for my self serving heart, and with a renewed willingness to watch, listen, and act when I am called upon.  Even when I'm tired.  Even when I feel like the only one.  Even when it seems like too much.  Even when I don't understand it.  It just may be a small part of the cost of a soul for the sake of eternity, I just never know. 

Awkward/Awesome

I got this idea from my dear friend Haley over at Creative Roots.  She does it every Friday, but I've been lacking in posts lastely so I thought I'd do this for a quick and fun read for whoever cares.

Awkward:

1. We had a rough morning today so we missed the first week of story hour that we signed up for at the library, and it wasn't related to sickness.  I don't like committing to something and not following through, but that sometimes happens with kids.

2.  I was flooded with emotion as I was reminded of a difficult situation from years ago in my past earlier this week. The topic was part of a group discussion, and no one was aware of my previous experiences until I chose to share them.  It was definitely awkward to hear people reacting to a situation as those 'on the outside looking in.'  (It also made me aware of being careful not to judge someone in a situation I have not personally experienced, though that is not what was happening in this particular discussion, just to clarify.)

3. Attempting to turn onto my busy street from another busy street, and then get into the right lane so I can get into my drive way less than a block down.  This is often both awkward as well as a bit risky. 

Awesome:

1. Part time home schooling my son in Kindergarten is just plain awesome.  He loves it and so do I.

2. My school year Tuesday morning Bible study has started again. It's that time of year again to study the Word in depth w/ a group of women, build new relationships, and continue growing old ones.

3. Our small group at church has the 4th week 'off' but the church provides childcare so parents can have a date night w/ low cost (possibly free!) babysitting.  That's incredibly awesome!  We also eat dinner together when we meet.  This reminds me of my college days and I think speaks of good fellowship and bonding ahead for our group.